Baby Blues

I have been mourning babyhood this past week.  I have had the baby blues.  Mind you this is not your typical baby blues, not as they are usually defined.  I have not had a new baby in the past couple of weeks.  I am not adjusting to my new life, new dynamic, hormone fluctuations, or sleep deprivation. 

No, I am adjusting to life without a baby.  Of course, I have done this before but never with the finality in which I am doing it this time.  Chris and I feel it is best for Maddox to be the last baby we create for our Stidham bunch.  I feel right about that - in my mind - from a logical standpoint.  We are OLD : )  I will be 37 this summer; Chris will be 39 this summer.  We often feel overwhelmed with three and that it is hard to give our all to our three boys....so why add more?  We DEFINITELY feel like we can not financially afford to have anymore.  With the debt we accrued - and unfortunately still have - from Chris' time unemployed, the finances just are not there for us to continue to bring more babies into our family.  So for this reason - and I am sure more - we are retiring from babymaking.

This is hard for this Momma.  It is very difficult and that fact surprises me GREATLY!!  I always have a hard time admitting this - because of how it can be misconstrued - but I did not enjoy Brady as a tiny little new one the way I had dreamed I would.  For a slew of reasons that I may write about at a later date - post partum, isolation, severe acid reflux, fear of failure, sleep deprivation, etc, etc, etc., I did not enjoy him fully until he was a few months old.  

When Evan was close to arriving I was TERRIFIED that I would not be able to enjoy him as a little new bundle and DESPERATELY wanted to.  My biggest request to my praying friends and family was prayer against post partum depression.  It worked!!! GOD answered and blessed me with a season of joy and peace.  I enjoyed my sweet little nugget, even in the beginning.

Maddox was a welcome SURPRISE and I was nervous about my ability to enjoy him with a little guy so young.  I was afraid that it would be too difficult to enjoy him because of having a little guy that was only 20 months himself - a mere baby.  That transition was surprisingly seamless.  I was exhausted, yes.  I did not mind waking up in the night and holding, snuggling, and nursing my little man because I knew - deep in my heart, even during pregnancy with him - that he was our caboose...our sweet, perfect caboose.

Now that my caboose is a year old - has been since February.....that saying goodbye to - and now mourning of - babyhood has begun.  Of course when he turned one, I struggled.  I knew having more was not the right answer.  I had actually figured out the right answer but, unfortunately, it was/is not possible.....freezing time.  See, I knew four children to be responsible for was not the right answer but I wanted to have a baby FOREVER.  If I could freeze Maddox in some sort of warm, functioning way then I could be done with three but yet never stop having a sweet baby to care for and snuggle.  WOW!!!  If I could figure that out and patent that....we could finally pay off the debt and afford more! 

I was still nursing....had just started the weaning process and then Maddox displayed signs of milk sensitivities so I chose to go back to more feeding sessions until he adjusted to cow's milk.  He has adjusted to cow's milk and the weaning restarted.  I dropped one of the four feedings every one to two weeks so he and I could both adjust.  The last feeding was the first of the day when he woke up.  I nursed him that morning feeding for the last time last Friday morning, April 20th.  He was 14.5 months so he definitely was ready and okay with it.  He is a GREAT eater.  He chugs cow's milk in a sippy cup with no problem and has outgrown the milk sensitivity...his stomach apparently just needed a little while to adjust. 

That was the biggest stab in the heart with my recent baby blues....weaning my last gift.  I know I will NEVER nurse another baby again....that chapter of my life - pregnancy, childbirth, and breast feeding, is OVER!  It is quite a milestone - and a bit painful - for me.

Recently, Maddox has gotten very daring and determined.  He is climbing up on everything.  He pulls himself up so easily and quickly these days.  I know that walking will be next - and sooner rather than later.  That will be the final nail in this "I don't have a baby anymore" coffin that I feel I am dragging around.

So I am experiencing baby blues right now.  Something I did not expect.  I do not know how common this is but I know how much it hurts right now.  I also know that it would hurt more to not have ever had a baby to love on, to miss as he grows into a toddler.  I feel blessed but I sure think it would be an incredible blessing to figure out the potion to keeping them little forever!!

Like Santa?

Funny, sweet, innocent Evan : ). I was getting him up from his nap to join his big brother out in the yard with our friends. As I am getting him dressed, he looks down at my frothy beer in my glass and says "that is a lot of coffee". I said: "That's not coffee, it is beer.". Evan says: "Beer? Like Santa Claus?". I explained to him that it was beer and Santa has a bearD. He says, with the biggest, most radiant smile, "Yeah, beard like Santa."

I wanna just eat him sometimes.

"I'm Jesus"

Hanging out in the backyard today with my four boys, relaxing, sipping a beer, throwing the frisbee, pushing the kiddos in swings, and Evan picks up the outdoor fireplace poker and proceeds to walk with it as though it is a staff and says "I'm Jesus".

I love Evan emulating Jesus!

Growing Vocabulary

Maddox has added to his vocabulary. He is saying "Stop" in music class when Miss Stephanie does in the songs. I so often say "Good Job" to him (obviously not a Tiger Mom) that he says that back to me now when I say it. It sounds something like "Guh Jah". Today at work at Prince of Peace he was playing with the Thomas trains with Evan and the other big kids and he had the train named "Jack". I told him he had Jack and he looked at me and said "Jack".
He clearly comprehends the word "kiss". When I tell him to give me a kiss he leans into me with his mouth wide open. I love it!!

He says "thank you" - "day u".  "All done"  - "awh duh". 

My Biography

.........as written by Brady Mac Stidham...........

Brady and I were having a conversation this past weekend regarding our cars.  We were talking about the fact that Yoda was one of my favorite Star Wars characters when I was a child.  He was in awe by that fact alone.  He then questioned how this was so, etc.  I told him that, yes, Yoda was one of my favorite characters.  In fact, I told him, Uncle Rich and I even had a pet cat as a child that we named Yoda.  Brady is processing this and then....
"Wait, wait wait.  So you had a cat named Yoda and then they named him Yoda in the movie."  Me: "No.  The movie came out.  Uncle Rich and I liked Yoda so when we got a pet cat we decided to name him Yoda." 
Brady - "Okay, okay.  So let me get this straight:  You were a little girl.  You had a cat and named him Yoda because you liked Yoda.   You met Daddy and married him, had three kids.  The End."  This was all delivered to me in a very matter-of-fact "all seriousness" tone.
My life story, my biography.  Authored by Brady Mac Stidham

Lucky 13!

Maddox turned 13 months this week.  We have a few updates regarding our sweet baby boy!  We received money from his MiMi & PopPop for his birthday in order to purchase a new stroller.  After almost 6 years, our great Metrolite stroller gave up on us.  The brakes broke (just small plastic pieces that lock in the wheel spokes) so we really needed a new stroller to keep our little guy safe.  With the new stroller it was time to move our little one from the infant carrier car seat to the big boy car seat.  We have held off in moving him because the convenience of him being in the carrier with a 2 year old to carry in and out of the car has been nice.  So now he looks like such a big boy in the car : )

With him out of the infant carrier, we are carrying him in and out of the car and into places now, versus carrying the carrier in and out of places.  This week was our first week going to Evan's music class with Maddox out of the infant carrier.  He sat in the floor next to Evan and I the whole class and had so much fun.  He really seemed to enjoy it.  He also spoke a new word "Stop".  During one of the songs we sing, the singer repeatedly says "stop".  He was saying it right along with the song.  He also was keeping the beat to the songs where we used the music sticks.  It was so fun to watch him enjoy it all so much!

I am still enjoying having a crawler!  It is so cute and fun to watch; so different from watching two boys scoot everywhere on their bottoms.

It appears that Maddox has a milk allergy/sensitivity.  He has continued to have severe blowouts everytime he drinks milk.  We tried lactose free as was recommended to us by our pediatrician.  Unfortunately that did not work either.  We have to figure out what is going to work best in order for him to get the nutrients he needs.  I have read and heard about some unhealthy effects that soy milk can have, which makes me very hesitant to introduce that.  Thankfully, I was weaning slowly so I am able to continue to still breastfeed him now until we determine the best combo for him to receive the fat and nutrients he needs.

PSchool

Evan is registered for preschool.  Next fall he will begin his preschool "career" at Hunter Street Baptist.  He was actually excited when we were there registering; which was a relief.  For quite some time in prior months whenever the topic would come up about him going to school next year he always would say "I not go school.  I stay home with you."  He went through a second stage of separation anxiety at about 2 1/2 and I wondered if preschool would ever be something he would be excited about.  Now he is excited.  Whenever I mention school now he says "I go school next year. I go Pschool when I am three."  It is so cute.  I LOVE how he still speaks like such a little guy even though he will be 3 in May.  Since Brady was beyond most children his age, in regard to communication, I am accustomed to a little guy saying things like a big boy and very clearly by this point.  My Evan speaks just like you would expect a 2 1/2 year old to speak so when he talks about Pschool, I think it is so cute.  It also makes him seems so young; too young to go to preschool.

While we were at Hunter Street Baptist Church, Evan misunderstood why we were there.  He thought he was actually going that day.  When it was time to go, after waiting (there were only 4 spots available) a while to register, he got upset.  He said "I go Pschool, Mommy.  I go Pschool today."  I had to explain not until next year when you are three.  As we were walking out of the school he kept saying "I play with awed (all) the boys".  It was so cute. 

Now whenever school comes up, he says: "I go to school (or Pschool) nes (next) year, Mommy, when I am three."

I love it!  I love him!

**A fun pic from Christmas (he got this backpack from Uncle Rich and Aunt Jenny and did not want to take it off all day) that made me think of him going off to school.  He looked too small to be wearing this backpack and going off to school.**